Where the fuck is Rob at, he hasnt answered his phone in like 2 weeks.
Dude Rob died 2 weeks ago wtf?
Holy shit r u serious? How?
Just kidding, but im pretty sure he boned your gf and doesnt want to talk to you.
guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
i yelled at him for a little and we ended up fucking in a random tennis court.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
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