Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
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