I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
he squeezed my boobs like he didn't know what else to do with them, then turned down head...
told you he was gay.
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
Go big or go home. Or get a live in house boy you met 7 years ago and feel like you have unfullfilled potential. You know, the usual
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
Randomize
