we were having sex in the shower and he dropped me. try explaining THAT to your concerned little brother
im in his phone as 'great ass to tap'
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
how much of this shit do i need to take before i think its a good idea to set the house on fire and scream satanic mantras?
Randomize
