I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
I didn't exactley write on my bucket list -- "hook up with a townie at a drivers intervention program"
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
Whatever. I'll take my new fine ass dick sucking nails elsewhere.
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize
