What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
Found out in my property law class that you can sell your eggs for $8000. Helloooo spring break.
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
we had a 10 minute conversation with his family about how I don't let him eat me out. I want to go home
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
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