I'm currently trying to figure out how I woke up naked and handcuffed to my bed. Not real worried about class right now.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
At least your nickname is not Plunge Slut and that nickname is not in a published thesis work
Dennis picked up a 50 year old woman. Then he and Dan got in a fight and jumped out of the limo. No one knows what happened to them.
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
Randomize
