So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
At Wal-Mart last night I watched two guys scramble for $4.34 to pay for a pack of ping pong balls and red solo cups. They had to put the .34 on a credit card. Winter break begins!
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
deryk tried to steal your screen door and i think sam and brent are duct taping lauren to the diving board.
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
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