I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
I got to see an enormous amount of vagina this morning.
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
It's hard to believe so much cum came out of such a small penis.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
Your amazing boobs made me fall in love with boobs. I never cared about boobs you should be proud
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