my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
Quick question. How did my clothes end up in your room on your bed and I end up outside your room naked on your couch?
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
Randomize
