Its ok relax. i can tell ur gonna start raggin. talk 2 u next week
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
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Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
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