when did we get to this "texting at random" level on friendship?
we were having sex and she freaked out when i said nipple
dont get me wrong, i like when a guy is into my boobs but when he started saying mama i want milk let me suck, i gathered my shit together and bounced.
it's official, after last weekend my girl number is higher than my guy number. fix this.
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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