Ever since he's come out, my facebook stalking experience has gotten uncomfortable
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
Their was just 7 people standing outside eating a costco chicken, definitley at the right party
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
No. There is no way we have to stoop so low as to ask your dad for weed. There has to be an alternative.
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
