she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
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were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
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Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
I am naked and annoyed.
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
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