I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
Happy 420. I woke up to a girl smoking weed and dragging me out of bed. Chemistry makes so much sense high.
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
They just dared her to tape flip flops to her tits. Entertainment value cannot be found like this in any other part of America.
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
Randomize
