dude, i was at the student union last night trying to study but some retarded sorority spent an hour voting on the color of the seasons shirts like it was a UN meeting- someone motioned purple, someone objected, and half an hour later after 2 recounts they decided on purple
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
Kings cup with teenagers tonight
Done deal
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
Randomize
