One of my boys faked an orgasm while fucking a girl tonite, w/ out wearing a condom mind you.
She caught him, and immediately put her clothes on and left.
I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
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I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
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All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
I just ran into mom and dad day drinking at the bar while I skipped class and was day drinking at the same bar.
I just wanna have sex and go to Denny's after is that too much to ask for.
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
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