I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
I forgot to tell you. I'm at a porno shoot today.
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
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