4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
Woman Using Lunch Break To Find Another Job Gets Hilariously Snitched On By The Local News
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
28 ‘Thanks For Coming To My Ted Talk Tweets’ Funnier And More Informative Than An Actual Ted Talk
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.