youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
I'm making progress with her.. She actually looked at me today and gave me a dirty look. Things are going real good.
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
Randomize
