and now I know what throwing up pineapple chunks is like.
Yeah, we had those soaking in vodka for like 36 hours
outstanding.
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
me + whiskey = a bad person
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
Randomize
