you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
she was a 2....and a legitimate 2. like, helen keller is a 1, this girl...2.
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
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I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
He added me on Facebook. I'm pretty sure he got my name from the inside of the bra I had lost in the frat house.
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
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We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
Its like he woke the dragon, and the dragon is hungry for a good dick.
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
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