at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
pretty sure i remember announcing that i lost my virginity to that brad paisley song when it came on during power hour?
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
i doubt you are even in possession of a crowbar.
I suggest you not find out the hard way
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
Randomize
