Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
Randomize
