I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
Randomize
