God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
double majoring has taught me only that psych majors are sluttier than govt majors
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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