Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
He just made a mudslide using rubinoff and swiss miss packets. This can't end well....
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
Everyone was hooking up and I was just by myself rolling around in the grass at one point ... Which I am allergic to.
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
