Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
oh good, I think they're gone
the painters?
my herpes
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
your cum blends into my yellow sheets :/
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
he's like a stage 5 clinger and he won't even fuck me. he has to be gay. my personality isn't really THAT great.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
I can't find a song to express how gay I'm feeling.
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
Steve brought 6 joints and 2 bottles of makers mark, Josh shat himself in the pool, and Amy blew me. Hope that extra 3 dollars an hour for working overnights is still worth it.
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
She totals her lexus and all she wants is to have crazy wild sex.
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