Last night was def like the makeout party episode of full house
accomplished twins. life is a go
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
i did make 45 jello shots and that makes me feel more productive then any paper would
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
Come on in and take your pants off
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