she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
Soo time for a life change, my 6 yr old sister made my gf a puke bucket for her birthday
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
jen just told me ur idea of revenge was saluting while letting his bong float away while attached to some balloons.
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
I just unmatched him. If your Thirsty Thursday only consists on the gym then I am not the woman for you ✌🏻️
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
Randomize
