Fuck, operation next sex victim is on as soon as i get back. Do not sleep with that red head, nobody likes accidental ginger babies.
HAH. HARRY POTTER CASUAL CONVO HAS BEEN EXTENDED TO DISCUSSING WEATHER. SO PRO
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
pray to the hookup gods
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Randomize
