Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
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