Take xtc, wait 20 minutes and then take a shower. Trust me.
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
Randomize
