WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
Really? You have stories that rival having a threesome with the two best friends of the guy your kinda seeing? Thats impressive.
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
They just yellow carded someone for spilling a drink because it was a party foul. Love germans.
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
I'm sure I'll run in to him again, there's only so many VA detoxes.
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
You were trust falling into bushes
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
Randomize
