The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
Ok. Cause im very serious about this. I wanna strip and do coke for a month
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
How do you feel? I threw up in a towel. Also, a lot of other things.
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
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