thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
If I end up in a healthy relationship because of this, I will NEVER forgive you!!!
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
Sex and compliments. The way to my heart
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
I think I need practice at oral sex
I own a practice facility.
It true. It written in the Bible.
Yes I remember that, right next to the passage where jesus said unto his disciples, pop molly, fuck bitches amen
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