We're facebook friends in real life
I haven't been this sober since birth.
she said she missed her period, but is going to six flags... think im safe?
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
Randomize
