The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
Well you know what I always say about freshmen.... If you want it, and they've got it... get it.
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
I just wish I could congratulate your tits on how much I love seeing them
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
Randomize
