so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
do you think having her use a clorox disinfecting wipe on her vagina will keep me from getting her herpes if I don't have a condom?
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
What drink are we having for lunch?
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
Randomize
