I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
i dont know what it was but it was definately NOT a vagina
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
Don't you dare blame me for walking in one walking in on ur fuck session....u decided to fuck where we hid our booze
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
I just pictured my inhibition personified as little pink piggies with wings flying off into the great wide nowhere hahaha
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
Randomize
