I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
I found your twin in sf. His name is ryan. And you are the evil one.
A female Wisconsin fan just headbutted the bouncer. Im deeply terrified and oddly aroused at the same time.
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
OMG WE ARE UP TO THREE MINORS WORKING HERE. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS MID LIFE CRISIS.
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
Randomize
