I never want to see another naked old woman again.
he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
I thought all girls wanted is to get a boner
you want to re-phrase that?
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
This house was built for laser tag.
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
having my hair in braids makes puking so easy. i am being an indian every halloween
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
All im saying is that my face might fall off.
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
Randomize
