Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
a reward? ill think of something
if its not drugs or food I swear to god ill throw a fit
we should paint friendship bongs
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
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