Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
And as you crawled into the bathroom last night you repeatedly said "I know the routine".
this mix will be the most desperate cry for affection in the history of itunes.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
he was snoring so I have him a bj to wake him up and then told him he had to leave.
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
Randomize
