I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
I'm sick of being the only unemployed member of the group. Doing things alone isn't partying. Its sad.
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
You were all "think outside the box, inside the bag!" as you filled your camelback with beer.
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
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