my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
i wanna anger bang this girl behind me at work. she never shuts up with her annoying voice. but her boobs are phenom.
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
He's a Republican and an Ohio State fan idk how far this can go.
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
Randomize
