"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
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