TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
I'm in new territory... I've never had to convince a guy to let me give him head as an apology.
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
no im not bringing booze its easy, you just challenge a drunk guy to beer pong, he'll hand you two beers, you lose on purpose, and everyone makes fun of you. but we laugh in the end for bringing nothing to a byob
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
Randomize
