there is no way he can be that small
look on the bright side he'll over comepensate
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
He gave me such a powerful orgasm I blurted out I love you. This is why just rebouding out of a serouis relationship is awkward.
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
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