I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
Yeah I'm gunna date him. I figure its regular sex and maybe feelings will come in time...it worked for arranged marriages...
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
Holy sore nipples Batman
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
