i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
Never let your siblings swipe right.
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
Randomize
