Don't make out with my wife yet
Saw a Delta Zeta recruitment poster today. On it, somebody added, "All you need is your daddy's credit card and a lack of self-respect."
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
I just remember her telling me "Hi, my names Kaissa and I'm a lesbian" over and over and over and over again as I was crying.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
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