Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
while we were having sex she stopped and said, "god is always watching". Then she started again with no other words said. We were fucked up.
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
How many weeks is it acceptable until I can start bringing freshman back?
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
she used teeth so i didnt tell her when i was cumming ...........dont get mad get even
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
Randomize
