Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
they're making a venn diagram comparing gummi bears against gummi worms...is this what i have to sit thru to get free weed????
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
That jawline could fucking have its way with me.
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
Randomize
