I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
This is most sickening thing I've ever seen, and I threw up my body weight in jello shots on my birthday.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
So i stood up out of the sunroof while he gave me oral. Car was still moving. Exactly how illegal is that?
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
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