I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
Houston, we have a squirter
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
So I can officially say that someone has licked whipped cream off my nipples. Go senior year
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
Randomize
