I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
She's the drunk girl with the air-horn and sunflower seeds.
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
Randomize
