we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
He took naked pictures of me and told me if I ever got to the Disney Channel level of fame he would help me out. I think i'm in love
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
Can you hurry up? Jamie just challenged my ex boyfriend to a duel and someone honest to God handed her a sword?
She didn't have her own?
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
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