I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
I'm still not walking right. We need some boundaries for "drink-or-dare"...
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
Im wearing all my glow sticks to bed so i know where my arms are at all times.
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
Randomize
